No depth

Something that weighs on me very heavily, especially recently is the lack of depth of most people. The term romantic is used almost like a curse. I actually read a story quite recently where to be labeled a romantic was like a strike against your name and it made your marriage prospects fall and then to be a hopeless romantic was worst of all. I thought it was sort of amusing, but the more I think about it, as I have many times over the years, we are surrounded by ridiculous fairytale love stores in movies, books and even the media. Is it all a lie?

I am personally hopeful and optimistic by nature, but I'm currently going through one of my less than spectacular times when my hopes are failing me. I won't go into the story about my ex-husband (yes I'm 25 and been married and divorced. We were too young) but I have come to the conclusion that I think that very few people if anyone is actually capable of truly deep emotion and feeling. When I say this, I mean on my terms because honestly there is nothing objective about feelings. When I love someone friend or lover it is with a whole heart. I generally go above and beyond reason for them which is why I try to chose at least my friends very carefully, men however, I have less success with. I want so badly for my misgivings to be proven wrong.


To love and love completely, when another persons happiness actually makes you happy is like an urban legend. Yet, that can't be true because when I love someone, even though I am certain I have never found the bone deep soul mate type love (if it even exists), I revel in that other person's accomplishments and happiness. When left unchecked I have a tendency to knock the scales completely off balance because I am willing to take that person's preferences into account above my own. The reason I find the depth of others to be lacking is because I have yet to find a significant other who was able to balance that scale with me. To actually be happy with the things that make me happy. To want to know what my preferences are and want to put those above their own. When I personally take this action it isn't martyrdom and it doesn't make me miserable to be missing out on what I think would be best. I am genuinely satisfied because of the happiness I have brought to another. Why does no one else feel this way? Instead, I have found more selfishness than I care to imagine. Was I raised on another planet? Planet of the apes perhaps? Don't people realize that in this way both parties win?


I really just want someone to get brave and jump in the deep end and quit splashin in the damn kitty pool already.